


Just the Simple Stuff

by Not2be



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Developing Relationship, F/F, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-09-17 05:19:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16968411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not2be/pseuds/Not2be
Summary: Moving forward is difficult. Being alive is difficult. Letting people in is...well, it's difficult. When Rafael looses a friend will he let those who love him, especially Sonny, help him through his grief?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so the following chapters will be much more Sonny/Barba centric, this chapter is more about digging into Rafael’s character and to provide context for what’s to come. I hope you like it. Thank you for reading!

Inside the crowded diner was warm, where Rafael and his friend sat in a cramped booth across from one another. Rafael had taken off his long camel colored coat and his suit jacket. His powder blue dress shirt was rolled to his elbows, he was sans vest today, so his yellow argyle suspenders were on display. Emelia was always delighted by his whimsical suspenders, matching pocket squares and socks. When she had voiced this delight however, Rafael had been indignant asserting that it was _not whimsical_ , it was style.

Emelia shot the fellow ADA a disgusted look as he poured, what was to her, a criminally excessive amount of sugar into his coffee.

“What?” he put the sugar shaker down exasperatedly.

“Nothing.”

“We can’t all be as brooding and mysterious as you with your black coffee.” He scrunched up his nose in distaste as if the mere idea of it was offensive to him “You were like this in college, its honestly pretentious and self-punishing.”

They were both individuals with strong opinions regarding proper coffee consumption.

“Mmm. Not brooding and mysterious, more neurotic.”

He looked at her perplexed for a moment “Okay you’re going to have to break that one down for me” Rafael relented when the dots did not connect for him.

“Ah, but if I explain it too you then I wouldn’t be _mysterious_ ” she joked.

Rafael rolled his eyes.

“You’re going to sprain an eye ball one of these days.”

“We could have just met at the bodega for coffee you know.” He checked his watch impatiently. He was always polite to customer service workers as a rule, but the service here was slower than molasses sitting out in Manhattan during winter.

She grinned mischievously. He knew that look. 

“Oh no, what is it? What’s the ulterior motive? Did you poison my coffee?” He looked down disgruntled at his chipped lukewarm mug “Might actually be an improvement if you had.”

“Rafael, I’m offended!” She put her hand to her chest the picture of betrayal.

“No, you’re devious.”

“Being a prosecutor has made you cynical.”

“It’s not paranoia if it’s true.”

She sighed dramatically “I wanted to get you away from 1pp for a little while and consume something, you know, besides astronomical amounts of caffeine and sugar. A man cannot live on coffee, bourbon and pretzels alone, Rafael.” 

“You can save the histrionics for court. You’re just as bad as my mami.”

“You’re lucky I don’t call Lucia.”

“You wouldn’t dare” He narrowed his eyes as if challenging Brutus right before he plunged the knife in.

“Wouldn’t I?” They stared each other down. It was then their waiter came to give them their food, only briefly glancing between the two before walking away nonplused. They’d leave a good tip.

“I’ll tell her what your work schedule has been like, your lack of sleep, and” She added teasingly “I think you’ve lost some weight, Rafael” It was the nuclear option; Emilia knew if she told Lucia Barba that, she’d be at his door with ropa vieja before the phone call had even ended. Despite being an incredibly busy woman herself, she’d drop everything to lecture and feed her son.

“That is all more prejudicial than probative.”

“Establishes a pattern of conduct. I think the prosecution needs to _rest_. Literally.”

“Okay that was bad even for you. And we’re in public. Frankly, I’m embarrassed for you.”

She rolled her eyes and hid her smirk behind her coffee cup.

“And what about you?” His eyes drifted down to the spotted counter then looked back up to make meaningful eye contact.

“What about me?”

In other areas of his life Rafael Barba had a talent for being blunt. Half his job was difficult conversations; he discussed the intimate details of the worst moments in victim’s lives. No matter how seasoned he was at the job it could still be incredibly difficult, but there at least he had a clear role. It was his job to get them justice, that’s what he could offer them. But here, despite their closeness and history he felt emotionally clumsy. Perhaps even more so. He could speak persuasively and elegantly about the law to strangers in high pressure situations, lord knows he’s never had a problem running his mouth. Here, he didn’t have the words.

Hostile situations he could handle too. It was easy to be reckless with dangerous people, to purposefully antagonize them, to find the breaking point where they’d snap. One, to not show weakness (he was more brain than brawn) and two, it was a strange comfort. To know exactly where the limits were, it eliminated a degree of uncertainty, of waiting for the explosion. Of course, it had back fired on him more than once but that was too be expected. He had cleaned up those messes plenty in his time.

This was different. Emilia was a _safe_ person. One he wanted to keep in his life. Not a colleague or superior he had to challenge or prove himself to. And despite all of their verbal sparring, she’d never intentionally hurt him. He had to remind himself a long time ago now not be on the defensive with people like Liv and Emilia. Rafael always felt, like he didn’t know how to give them the things they gave him, things he still struggled to receive. Sometimes he felt the best he could offer was clumsy concern and reassurances in their shared convictions. 

“I’m fine, Rafael.” She laughed and placed her hands under the table. Rafael clocked the movement but didn’t comment on it.

“Always, right?”

She pressed her lips together and gave him a disapproving look, but he held her stare unflinching.

“This whole ‘you work too hard’ routine is a classic pot calling kettle situation you know.” He defended again when the tension broke.

“Just because we share similar flaws does not mean I cannot call you out on your bad habits, in fact it makes me uniquely qualified.” She countered smugly.

He ‘hmm’ed into his cup unconvinced.

After a moment she perked up in her seat as if suddenly remembering something. Emilia leaned forward with a conspirator’s gleam in her eyes. 

“Sooo, any special person in your life, Rafael?”

 _Ay dios mio._ “What? Want a juicy piece of gossip for the office?” He deflected easily stirring his coffee spoon.

“The sordid details of your love life hardly have the social currency around ‘the office’ that you think it does. Now come on, Rafi, _please_.”

“There is…someone.” He replied guardedly.

She tried to hide her excitement and curiosity by leaning back in her seat and playing with her napkin.

“Someone?” She tried for causal and failed spectacularly.

“Yes, _but_ it’s just a silly crush, a one-sided flirtation at worst. Nothing’s going to come of it.”

She raised an eyebrow, and Rafael sighed at the unasked question.

“He’s younger than me. Bright eyed, he’s like a literal golden retriever.” Her attentive silence encouraged him to continue despite his better judgment.

“ _Very_ handsome” he blushed and immediately felt like a pathetic school boy with a crush and not a grown man. He paid taxes damnit! He had to have more dignity than this.  

“I fail to see the problem here.”

Rafael weakly gestured to himself and shrugged.

“Rafael-!” She started offended on his behalf before he raised his hands and cut her off.

“Stop, okay. I’m not being self deprecating I’m being realistic. I know what I have to offer.”

“Do you? Because I don’t think you do.”

“I’m an old man, I’m grumpy, I’m dedicated to my work.” He shrugged.

 “And you like this guy yet…you feel comfortable forming his opinions for him? Making decisions for him?”

He shot her a glare. “Besides it would never work, it would just complicate our current…standing”

“What do you mean” She scrunched her eyebrows together confused. Rafael’s cheeks turned red while avoiding eye contact as if Medusa were his lunch companion.

“Rafi-” He was looking guiltily out the streaky window when it clicked.

“Oh my god, Rafi. Do you work with him?” He huffed annoyed at her figuring it out and her obvious unabashed amusement.

“Is he an attorney” She was reading his face carefully, “Don’t tell me he’s a detective!”

He gave her a sheepish look.

“Oh my god, Rafi! It’s a detective!”

“Would you keep your voice down.”

“A bonified badge babe!”

“That’s not a thing.”

“ _Who”_ She ran through the brief description Rafael had given her and the detectives on Liv’s squad that he worked with most often.

“Oh my god!”

“Stop saying that.”

“It’s Carisi! The cute one with the accent” He shushed her again in earnest.

“That’s reductive.”

“Oh _Rafi_ -” she continued.

“Don’t start that.”

Apparently, she wasn’t done with her gushing.

“Since when are you like this, we’re adults may I remind you.”

“Can you imagine the suit you’re going to wear at your wedding.” He laughed despite himself.

She stopped her teasing and gave him a warm smile.

“Rafael Barba, why have you not made a move yet?”

“I told you-”

“It wouldn’t work out yeah, but _why_?”

“I told you-” he started again irritably.

“You think he’s out of your league. Right. But _why_?”

He looked down again at an apparently fascinating coffee stain on the table.

“I just don’t see the point.”

Her demeanor softened, and she looked genuinely thoughtful for a moment before “You know what Rafael, I don’t think you get to leave this life without heartbreak of one sort or another.”

“How cheerful” he quipped spreading a generous amount of grape jelly on his toast.

“I mean it. Isn’t _almost_ , and _should have been_ , and _alone_ a type of heartbreak? Yes, Carisi could break your heart, and then I’d have to break his legs.”

He snorted.

“But you could just as easily break your own. You want to be alone, you’re gonna get what you want in the end. And if I believed that’s what you genuinely wanted, I’d back off, but I don’t think you do. The _point_ is there are no safe options, especially the ones with the most reward. The Rafael, I know isn’t afraid of a risk, and maybe this detective of yours isn’t either.” They sat in a comfortable silence for a moment.

“Just--promise me you’ll think about it? Oh, and give detective Carisi my number, he’ll want to thank me later.”

Rafael rolled his eyes but responded anyway “Okay.” And Emilia’s heart warmed a bit. She knew it wasn’t a guarantee, but it was something.

“What about you?” He asked again with a smirk trying to lighten the mood.

Emilia shrugged “We all have our things to offer…mine is my work.”

He frowned but let it go.

He wished he hadn’t.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Rafael strode into her office, rumpled shirt, sleeves cuffed at his elbows, green eyes wide. He was wearing a heather grey vest with a stripped pattern on the back, his plum tie loose around his neck. His suit jacket probably long forgotten in his office.

“I can’t believe this! I’m losing it Emilia I really am.”  Apparently, it was ‘bring your stressed attorney to work’ day. Which was actually most of their days.

“Well, hello to you too Rafael.” She replied unfazed.

Emilia looked up at him over her large plastic rimmed glasses she wore on her more tired days. The metal ones she normally wore were uncomfortable after a while.

“Please, invite yourself in, take a se-” before she could finish, he had plopped dramatically across her couch. At this point they both knew they had an open-door policy. It was honestly sort of an honor to be allowed to see this side of the ADA, normally so put together, all snark and professionalism. In the beginning she would have to pull to get Rafael to admit that something was wrong, it felt a little like being a dentist.

She took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. This was a gesture Rafael was familiar with at this point, that meant she was tired, wrung out or had a headache. They knew each other’s tells well, which was annoying and useful in turn.

“You okay, Em’?” He paused momentarily in the middle of his crisis.

She could feel a headache forming in the middle of her forehead from a long day of reviewing for a case and reading depositions, but she chuckled trying to assure him. Emilia was pleased to see her friend.

The fellow prosecutor waved dismissively “You were saying something about losing it?” she prompted.

 “Right. It’s a disaster.” Always a flair for the dramatic.

“Yes, I’ve gathered that.” She replied dryly looking him up and down. She temporarily pondered the legality of having your friend kidnapped and forced on vacation.

“Aside from being _catastrophic_ , I’m going to need some more context Rafi.”

“I’m” He paused looking away embarrassedly, his tone shifting.

“I’m” he huffed “ _anxious._ ” He conceded shamefully, followed by a sharp self-deprecating laugh.

“Okay…about what?”

“A case.” She continued to look at him silently, hoping that would encourage him to elaborate. No such luck; he knew that trick.

“What?”

“What type of case Rafi?”

“What does that matter?” He huffed impatiently clearly revealing that it did in fact matter.

“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think it mattered.” She replied easily, unaffected by his tone.

“It’s a DV case” She hummed in understanding and he snapped “I didn’t come here to talk about _that_.”

“Okay” She raised her hands in surrender.

 “What do you want to talk about then.” She walked around her desk to sit closer by the leather couch that was currently occupied by a very distressed ADA.

“I just can’t believe I’m anxious.” She looked at him incredulously.

“Have you tried laying off the caffeine?” He groaned in response, clearly not amused.

“Okay okay” She conceded “But Really? What’s so _unbelievable_ , we’re talking about anxiety not unicorns Rafi. Or is the unflappable Rafael Barba not allowed to feel anxious” She teased lightly.

“I am a professional Emilia, I’ve been doing this job for a long fucking time. And I don’t normally get this way…even about you know, these _types_ of cases. Angry? Yes. Stressed, exhausted, of course. But anxious…it just feels so, pathetic.” He slumped against the couch.

Emilia worried over the dark circles under his eyes, his slightly rumpled hair. But she knew better than to voice that concern out loud.

“What are you afraid of Rafi?”

“What if I’m losing it what if-”

She stopped him before he could spiral further “Listen, being anxious does not spell the end of your career. I’ll tell you a secret but if you tell anyone else, I’ll have to track you down and kill you. And I’ll get away with it too, I know some good attorneys and you won’t be around to prosecute so I’m safe.” She got a small smile out of the ADA, so she counted that as a win.

“Alright, you have my confidentiality.”

“Good, I have a reputation to uphold.” She smiled. “Rafi, I still get anxious. All the time. Over every case. A little nervousness can be helpful.”

He snorted “Right, because fear really helps rational decision making.”

“I’m not saying to make decisions out of fear. I’m saying anxiety can help keep you on your toes. Helps keep me from getting complacent. It makes every case important. May not be pleasent but it makes me good at my job.” she shrugged.

“I love this job Em’ but, it just all feels so…heavy.”

 “Of course, it does, Rafi,” She leaned forward and squeezed his hand “Because you care. You care so much, and you help a lot of people. That would feel heavy to anyone. But you don’t have to put all that pressure on yourself.”

“But if I fail this---”

“You’re not going to fail anything or _anyone”_ She looked at him seriously “No matter what the outcome is.” Rafael took all the unwanted verdicts of his cases hard, she remembered how broken he looked talking about Mehcad Carter’s parents or not getting justice for Evie Barnes. However, not guilty verdicts for domestic violence and child abuse cases were especially hard on him.

He didn’t look convinced but moved on.

“But what If I’m no longer good at my job…” he had to swallow past the lump in his throat and look away. He didn’t know why he was getting so emotional, must have been the sleep deprivation and stress. 

“Then what, Rafi? Let’s say worst case scenario, which definitely isn’t true, but let’s just say what if it were, then what.”

“I’d have nothing” _I’d be nothing._ Emilia felt her heart ache for her friend.

“This job doesn’t have to be your whole life if you don’t want it to be Rafi. You’re allowed to have a life outside of work…who knows, might make you more well adjusted than me.” She smiled playfully.

“Yeah, that’s not a high bar.”

 “Alright, I take it all back. What you should really do is quit and become a comedian.”

“You think I’d be a successful standup?”

“I think you’d be a starving artist.”

“Ha. Ha.” They shared a comfortable silence for a moment.

“Speaking of work life balance” Rafael groaned “How’s things with Sonny going?” She smiled mischievously at him.

His eyes lit up a shy smile bloomed on his face for a moment before it faltered.

“Good? I think. I don’t know, I think-”

“Perhaps, part of the problem is that you think too much.” He simply glared at her.

“Maybe you should oh I don’t know…talk to him, about your feelings.”

“What, are you getting tired of me talking to you about it.” He joked weakly.

“Perish the thought.” She said dryly though she meant it.

“I’m simply saying, you can tell him about your apprehensions and fears around relationships and…” she knew she had to tread carefully. “the why.”

His eyes snapped up from a spot on the carpet, his posture getting defensive. But she stayed still and impassive, refusing to back down.

“I know it’s difficult Rafi. But you don’t have to carry _everything_ on your own…it might make things less _heavy_ ” She squeezed his hand again and though he rolled his eyes he squeezed back. She knew that meant he heard her even if he was still uncertain about her advice. She’d take his consideration for now as a positive.

Rafael laughed clearing the tension in the air.

“Here, why don’t you just smother me with this instead and we can be done with it” He joked handing her a pillow from the couch.

“Don’t tempt me” She gently smacked him with it and tossed it aside. 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

They were drinking scotch at his kitchen counter after a particularly hellish week. Emilia was looking around his kitchen seemingly lost in thought as she swiveled slightly in her chair one foot tucked under her.

“Hey, Em’”

“Yeah?”

“Why _do you_ drink your coffee black” He felt the warmth and looseness that came with a couple glasses of scotch.

Her eyebrow raised, and the corner of her mouth twitched up “The same reason I don’t unpack my suitcase when I stay in a hotel.”

“Cryptic. That somehow gave me less information than I had before.”

“Coffee preference isn’t a personality trait Rafi, maybe I just like it.”

He gave her a skeptical look.

She lifted one shoulder in a half shrug and continued to draw lazy patterns on his counter with her finger. “Maybe its because…it’s safer to need less.”

“That’s…That’s- wow.” He didn’t know what to say for a moment trying to let the information sink in.

She raised her eyes from the counter and smirked.

He waited a beat then “Oh! You’re messing with me aren’t you.”

She laughed “Well done Rafi, good to know your astute perceptive abilities are not hampered by alcohol.”

He took another swallow of his drink trying to hide his amusement at her antics.

“If your coffee habits aren’t pathological then your propensity for nonsense surely is.”

He would later wonder if she was really joking or not.

“So, dish.”

“ _Dish?_ ”

“What’s the Sonny sitch.”

He chuckled giving his friend a bewildered smile.

“I mean It’s good.” The ADA sighed.

“Good. That’s all you got for me, is _good_?”

“I really like him okay. His dumb Staten Island accent and stupidly nice hair, his ridiculous dimples, his infuriatingly blue eyes. It’s really not fair” He pouted.

“You’re right sounds like an injustice.”

“He’s thoughtful, and loyal and he loves to cook Italian food for me, too much even. I’m gonna give him the bill to have my suits altered. He makes me laugh. He talks endlessly about Fordham and his family, but I don’t mind it…he’s just…” He gestured vaguely trying to reach for the word through the soft haze of alcohol. “Sunny Sonny.” He said with affection and melancholy.

“And?” she smiled encouragingly.

He shrugged all dopy lovesickness replaced by forced indifference “It’s just casual.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I--I don’t know. It’s still new and, and we haven’t talked much about it lately. It’s been a hard week Em’.”

“I know.” She gave him a sympathetic look before bracing herself to venture into rocky waters.

“Did you ever talk to him about your last case?” DV and child abuse, it was brutal.

“He was a detective on the case, so yes that’s typically how it works.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

“Why would I. It’s over.” He looked resolutely ahead of them.

“Is it?”

“Em’—"

“Listen, I know. Okay, I get it. The walls, the one-man island routine-”

“What does that even-”

“Shutting yourself off, locking people out, throwing yourself into work-it’s all been in an effort to get here. And I am so glad you are here. But I think maybe it’s time…you let someone else help, as scary as it is.”

Rafael scoffed looking away.

“After everything you’ve been through, Jesus, Rafi. Look how much you’ve accomplished, and not just because of what you’ve overcome but just on its own…its incredible. You impress the hell outa me Rafi, I mean it.”

“You’ve gone soft.” He accused fondly.

“Shh don’t tell anyone.” They shared a sad smile.

“What I’m trying to say is…you deserve to get help, to let people love you, you deserve…to be happy. I think it’s really brave to try to be happy Rafael.”

Rafael finally looked up at her making eye contact, his mouth slightly open but unable to say anything. For a moment he was no longer Rafael Barba established ADA all wit and sass and conviction. He was that young 20 something year old knocking at her apartment door in an old oversized Harvard sweatshirt with wide watery eyes looking so lost.  

“This potential thing with Sonny…I _really_ like him, Em’.”

“I know.”

“I’m afraid.” That was not an admission Barba made lightly.

“That’s okay. Just, don’t do that thing you do, where you get stuck in your own head and then self-sabotage.”

He was about to vehemently deny it when he huffed out a breath and gave his friend a wry smile.

It was late into the night, they were laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes and stomach aches for all the right reasons.

“Oh, I love you, Em’” He said finally getting in a sufficient amount of oxygen and wiping his eyes.

“You’re not so bad yourself, Rafi.” She said warmly, placed a gentle kiss to his cheek and squeezed his hand.

Before she left that night, she paused in the doorway as Rafael was walking to the kitchen. She called back to him and he stopped and turned to look at her.

Looking back at the memory he could never be sure how long she held his gaze. In reality it was probably no more than a few seconds, but in his mind, he likes to imagine her suspended that way in his doorway. But life is hardly as cinematic or ideal. Or fair.

“I love you, Rafael.”

“Yeah, I know.” He smiled and when he started heading back again, she called

“Rafi?”

“Yeah?” He chuckled turning around. But his mirth started to fade into worry when she took a beat too long to respond.

“I- Just, don’t forget it okay” She gave him her classic lopsided smile and his worry subsided.

All the things she told him that night, he wonders if she was simply projecting, or reaching out, looking for permission.

Then it hits him, like an ice cube melting in his chest and his stomach sinks. She was saying goodbye.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I’m so glad people seem to be liking this so far, especially when so much of the first chapter featured an OC. There is one flash back in this chapter, it’s in italics hopefully that’s not confusing. Thank you again so much for your feedback and for reading.

He sat on the edge of his bed it was still dark out. The beeping of his alarm pulled him back up to the surface. The now illuminated phone screen alerted him that it was 5:00 am. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been awake if he’d gotten any real sleep or if he had been stuck in that in-between stage all night, restless and tired. He went through his morning routine mechanically, blinking at himself in the mirror. He furrowed his brow at the two ends of the tie he held in his hands, he hadn’t remembered picking it out or putting it around his neck. It was like the feeling of arriving at a place you’ve traveled too often and not exactly remembering the drive there. The rest of the morning carried on in that manor. Just numb silence. Slivers of light were just starting to trail in through his windows casting shadows like paper cutouts.

He walked past his kitchen, not wanting or able to think too much about why the idea of going in it made his stomach churn.

He just needed to get to work then he’d be okay. He closed his eyes dreading talking to other people, the mere idea was profoundly exhausting. When he opened his eyes again the cab had arrived at their destination. He took a steading breath. Everything was fine. Surely, everyone would leave him alone, so he could carry on with his day, if he just remembered everything was fine. Because it was.

And it was. Everything was fine. He buried himself in work, pointedly ignoring the sympathetic worried glances from Carmen, and the unread text from Sonny. Thankfully Liv hadn’t called yet probably giving him space for now.

Everything was fine. He could function on muscle memory, floating through the more mundane aspects of daily living.

At the end of the day he put his feet up on his desk and leaned back in his chair. The building was mostly quite except for the soft hum of his office, Carmen had already gone home. For an odd reason he couldn’t articulate in the moment he felt compelled to take out his phone. He dialed the number he knew by heart, it rang a few times before going to voicemail.

“Hello, you’ve reached Emilia Holton-”

Rafael slammed his phone back down on his desk, feeling a sharp spike of emotion in his chest for the first time that day. He rushed out of his office forgetting his coat, despite the chill outside he probably wouldn’t even feel it until he got home.

Everything was fine. Except it wasn’t.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

_His office door opened, but he didn’t lift his head from the paperwork on his desk, he didn’t need too. When the new occupant didn’t say anything however, he finally looked up._

_Emilia was standing in front of his desk carboard coffee cup in hand and smiling like a kid with a secret cookie in her pocket._

_“What?”_

_She continued to smile rocking gently side to side with a shrug._

_“I don’t know Rafael, you tell me.”_

_“If you just came here to do” he waved his hand “Whatever this is, you can you kindly take your business elsewhere” He was amused despite himself._

_“What did you do last night Rafi?” she smiled smugly._

_“Dios ayúdame” He tossed the files he was holding down on his desk in exasperation._

_During a cross examination, you don’t ask a question you don’t already know the answer too._

_“Did you…spend it with anyone in particular.” She could barely contain her glee. Sometimes Rafael thought that Emilia was in on some sort of cosmic joke he wasn’t aware of._

_“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.” But his face broke out in a large grin, as if it were a Pavlovian response to thinking about his dinner partner from the previous night._

_“Ah ha!”_

_“Ah ha what!?”_

_“You smiled.”_

_“Yes, that is something I do on occasion, you know.”_

_“Oh, come one Rafi, I know, you finally ponied up and asked out our boy in blue.” She could only play coy for so long._

_Rafael rolled his eyes. Sonny had actually been the one to ask him out, but she didn’t need to know that now._

_“Smug is not a good look on you” She gasped mock offended, looked down at her outfit and did a little ‘this is a killer look on me’ twirl. Rafael let out a loud belly laugh._

_“Alright fine” She held up her hands in surrender, one still holding the coffee cup._

_“I won’t pry” He snorted, and she gave him a pointed look “I just wanted to confirm my intel.”_

_Her voice got softer “And to see how it went.”_

_“He brought me flowers” the ADA said his eyes crinkling with amusement, the corner of his mouth turned up._

_“He ordered his water without lemon because he just quote ‘doesn’t get it’.” His smile widened, and Emilia laughed warmly._

_“He sounds…”_

_“Effervescent” Rafael blushed the word coming out before he could think better of it._

_She raised an eyebrow._

_Carmen popped her head through the door “Detective Carisi is her to see you Mr. Barba.”_

_“Alright send him in, thank you Carmen.”_

_“Ah, duty calls” She wiggled her eyebrows at him then went over to his desk to say good bye with a kiss to his cheek. She placed the coffee she had been holding in his hand._

_“For you. Think of it was a consolation for all of my mischief and questions.”_

_“Is this a bribe counselor?” He felt a bloom of affection and warmth for his friend. She winked and walking towards the door nearly ran into the topic of their conversation._

_“Nice to see you, Detective.”_

_“Ah, you too counselor.”_

_She paused a moment “Effervescent, indeed” she patted him on the arm throwing Barba a look before walking out. It took all her willpower not to burst out laughing at the expression on her friend’s face._

_“What was that all about?” Sonny asked confused pointing a thumb back at the door._

_“Never mind that, just the ramblings of a mad woman. What can I do for you detective?”_

_“Oh, um.” Sonny turned sheepish rubbing the back of his neck “I just wanted to tell you I had a good time last night.”_

_“You could have called.” The older man smiled teasingly._

_“Yeah, well. I could have. But…I kinda wanted to see you…if that’s alright.” Rafael’s chest fluttered._

_“I think I could accommodate that request.”_

“Counselor? Barba?”

“Hm?” Rafael looked up somewhat dazed at the man standing in his office.

“Are you alri-”

“Don’t. Finish that sentence. Can I help you with something pertinent Detective or are they just letting you run loose now?” He knew he was being unnecessarily combative. He couldn’t seem shake the irritation that was right under the surface all the time know, like static under his skin.

“There’s a case, we need you at the station.”

“You could have just called” The ADA snapped.

“Yeah, I could have.” Sonny swallowed thickly, and Rafael felt a pang of remorse.

“Sorry.” His head bowed eyes trained on his desk. Sonny walked over and tried to touch his arm, but Rafael gently moved out from under it.

“Raf—"

 “Let’s just…go shall we.”

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Rafael had watched Rollins and Sonny interrogate their suspect. They just didn’t have enough for an arrest warrant yet; he knew had been a little harsher with them than he normally was. The ADA couldn’t stand the way they looked at him, the glances they exchanged, Fin being the only one seemingly unfazed.

Oliva had ushered him into her office, closed the door and shut the blinds.

“How are you doing, Rafa?” Rationally he knew she was trying to be helpful, but the way she spoke all soft and sympathetic like she would with a victim made his stomach jump.

“You invited me into your office to make small talk?” He asked incredulously running his hand down his tie.

“I’m sorry about Holton, she was a good woman.”

“Yeah, great. I didn’t come here to reminisce we have work to do.”

Olivia seemed taken back slightly by his flippant tone, but she continued calmly,

“It’s understandable to be angry—” He laughed short and bitter. 

“This is not the appropriate time or place for a feelings circle, Lieutenant Benson. The victim isn’t going to stop being dead because I’m having a _bad day_.” He went to exit the office when Liv called out to him.

“Rafa.” He paused but didn’t respond. When it didn’t seem likely he would, she continued.

“It’s understandable to be angry, at life, at everything, at Emilia” She ducked her head trying to meet his eyes “but we couldn’t have known the kind of pain she was in-”

“Couldn’t or just _didn’t_.” the ADA countered, one hand on his hip the other running aggravatedly though his hair.

“Honestly, I don’t know who I’m angrier at, her for not telling me sooner or myself for not seeing it.”

Olivia was across the room in an instant hugging him gently at first to give him plenty of opportunity to pull away if he wanted. After a moment he relaxed in her arms, she held him closer.

“I’m sorry, Liv” He said into her hair and past the lump in his throat. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that it—”

“Its fine, Rafa. I get it.” And she really did.

When they pulled away Rafael wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand embarrassed. Olivia handed him a white business card.

“It’s my therapist.”

“Liv—”

“Just think about it, he can give you a great referral” He pocketed the card just to appease her knowing he wouldn’t look at it again, he wanted to argue but figured he owed her that much.   

“And you can always call me, at any time, alright?” Her hand was over her heart.

He felt a bevy of emotions. Gratitude and fear. He wasn’t sure what he had done to deserve the friendship of a woman like Olivia Benson, and sometimes it just hurt so God damn much to be loved like that. He wondered if anything would ever feel good again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, more Sonny and Rafael hurt/comfort is coming and some fluff too. Also, I got that detail about the lemon water from an actual episode. Sonny is trying to get a wireless printer to work and he says something along the line of he doesn’t get the point of wireless printers or lemon in water. I just thought it was an odd and funny little line.


	3. Chapter 3

The only time Rafael feels normal, or as normal as he can feel, is when he’s buried in his work. When he goes home it feels more like he haunts his apartment than lives in it. Night is the stretch of time in his day he spends endlessly tossing and turning, on the edge of sleep and wakefulness. Those nights eventually he gives up and shuffles from room to room. His chest tightens when he thinks about calling Sonny. Not to say anything, he doesn’t know if he could, but just to hear Sonny talk. Maybe to help with the cloying sadness and restless anxiety. They had only been dating five months when this all happened. It’s too much to ask too soon, maybe ever.

By contrast one Sunday he has off he spends the whole day sleeping, can’t do much else, when he barely feels in his own body. It’s like his muscles have been replaced with sand and his head stuffed with cotton. Later that night he wakes up with his undershirt clinging to him, his chest a vice like his own ribs are trying to suffocate him. He blinks into the dark room as reality seeps back into his consciousness. He repeats to himself the date, the time, and where he’s at in a practiced mantra. That was the first time he had had a nightmare in a while.

The following week he only goes home to shower and change in the morning, when he sleeps it’s in his office. Part of him knows this isn’t sustainable, but it’s not like he hasn’t done it before during difficult cases and in his earlier days. Regardless, it’s the best he could manage at the moment. His stomach is sour most of the time, the coffee and stress probably are not helping but he does not know what else to do. Everything he puts in his mouth makes him nauseous and feels like swallowing dirt. Sometimes he feels wiry and his nerves stretched thin, others his body feels like led. He feels soul sick. He knows this feeling, but he doesn’t want to put a name to it. Because then he’ll have to think about _it_. Then it’s real and it will all be too much. Everything he did or didn’t do, he’ll spiral, he knows he will, and he can’t allow that. After his abuelita died he had to be strong for his mami and he had a job to do, so he buried it as best he could, but then again, he had stubborn friends in his life, Liv and…he clenches and unclenches his fist.

Sonny was standing in front of his couch where Rafael sat, staring at him expectantly. How long had he been there?

“Rafael.” Normally its ‘counselor’ or ‘Barba’ at work. The familiarity of his first name sets the ADA on edge.

“Detective, have you finally brought me some evidence I can actually use.” Rafael couldn’t stomach his large puppy dog eyes full of sympathy and concern.

Sonny sat a box on his desk, Rafael hadn’t noticed he was carrying at first and stuck his hands in his pockets.

“No.”

“Then you really don’t need to be here then do you.” Rafael countered sharply getting up and moving past Sonny, drinking what could have been his 5th cup of coffee that day.

“I came here to see how you were doing.”

“What an effective use of police resources.” His voice dripped with sarcasm, his usual defense.

“Look, did I do something?” Sonny asked finally, trying not to be offended by the other man’s coldness and increasing hostility.

“Right now? You’re wasting my time.”

“I know you’re going through a rough time-”

“Are you insinuating that I’m letting my personal life impede my professional performance?”

“No!” Sonny said taken aback. Of course, he wasn’t.

“Then this conversation is irrelevant.”

“I’m just worried about you. You lost your friend you’re grieving-” Sonny felt himself loosing his patience.

“You’re getting dangerously close to insolence.” Rafael spun around angerly.

“Fine. If you want to push everyone away that’s your prerogative. But carrying on like this-” He gestured at the clearly exhausted attorney “Would she really want _this_ for you?”

“It doesn’t matter what she would want, she’s dead! Last I checked the dead don’t have preferences.”

And there it went. The cool distant exterior Rafael had been keeping in place around Sonny; dodging his invitations to lunches and nights over, retreating centimeter by centimeter. The cynical response put the detective back on his heels a bit, but at least it was something.

“Raf” He said gently into the silence, hoping that the dam bursting like that was a good thing. His own defensiveness and frustration melting away with the shattered tension.

“Talk to me. Please.”

Rafael sighed loudly feeling shame rush in.

“I’m sorry. I- you don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.”

“It’s okay.

“No, It’s not. I was being an ass.”

“No, it’s not and yeah you kinda were” Rafael looked back up at him wearily and apologetic. “But I get it.”

“You do? Because I sure as hell don’t.”

“You? Not know something? That’s a first. Look, Rafi, I like you okay. Like _a lot_. And I don’t want to run just because things are rough right now. I’m here. If you’ll let me be, I’m _here_.”

“I want you here” Rafael admitted swallowing thickly. _I want you here and that’s what terrifies me._

“Good.” Sonny positively beamed. “Because I’m very persistent.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.” Rafael rolled his eyes affectionately.

“And” Sonny continued ignoring him “I brought cannoli.”

 The older man raised an eyebrow in question.

Sonny shrugged “It’s what you do when someone’s grieving.”

“It’s what _you_ do.”

“Is that alright with you, counselor?”

“It depends, what type of cannoli’s are they?” Sonny reached out to squeeze his hand and Rafael let him.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

“Miss Calhoun.” He acknowledged shortly not slowing down a step. Rafael really did not have the energy for this.

“I need to speak to you, Rafael.”

“You can make an appointment with Carmen, I am very busy at the moment.”

“This isn’t about a case-” Rita was as stubborn as they came, and it was only made worse by his attempt to brush her off.

“Rita, I really don’t have the time like a said you can make an appointment.”

“I want to talk to you about Emmy!”

He froze a few steps ahead of her, his knuckles turning white around his brief case handle. Rafael took a shuddering breath before rounding back at the defense attorney.

“You have some nerve-!”

“You’re not the only one who loved her, Rafael.” Her face was steely determination, but her eyes were glassy. And something just clicked, and the recognition must have shown on his face. After the initial shock, he huffed out a breath the fight leaving his body.

“You want a drink?”

That’s how they both ended up on the couch in his office. He pulled out two glasses and scotch. Rita raised an eyebrow at the brand-new bottle he opened but Rafael just stared back challenging her to say something about it.  Instead she just took the glass of expensive amber liquid with a grateful nod. Her heels were off, and her feet were tucked under her on the couch. It reminded him of college when things were both easier and harder.

“So, how long?” Hazel eyes stared back at him steadily. He was about to clarify his question when she sighed.

“It’s…well it was complicated.”

 “Rita, that’s a face book status not an explanation.”

“It wasn’t a consistent thing okay. It was…”

“Complicated?” He smiled wanly at her, but her eyes didn’t leave her drink.

Rafael could count on one hand and have fingers to spare the number of times he had seen Rita look that vulnerable, it felt like a life time ago.

“You really loved her.”

“Yes. I did.”

“Why did you guys never…”

“Stick? You know how busy and chaotic our lives are. Plus, you know ‘delia. She…had way of cracking people open, of seeing them it was-”

Delia was the affectionate nickname Rita had for Emilia when they were in college, based off the character Amelia Badelia, the nick name just became more abbreviated over time. Emilia contested it constantly; _“That doesn’t work, my name isn’t even Amelia, its ‘E’ Emilia, Rita.”_ That just encouraged Rita to use it more _“Ah, but see you’re being so literal, just like Amelia Badelia_.” Emilia would later call her Ritz Crackers as revenge much to Rita’s chagrin and the formers delight.

“A talent?”

“I was going to say annoying” Rita smiled “But yes. And yet, it was like there was always a part of herself she kept locked away. I can’t help the feeling that there was this whole part of her I’ll never get to know. A part I couldn’t reach.” They both took a drink. Rita could remember flashes, of auburn hair splayed messily across her pillow, a smattering of freckles, a hand, a wrist, stretching into the morning. Bitten nails Rita would admonish as unprofessional. It all hurts.

“I can’t believe I didn’t know about you two, I mean I had my suspicions about you guys maybe having a fling but…I guess there were lots of things we both didn’t know hu.” He knew there was some sort of romantic tension between the two women but after college he had assumed that had faded. He didn’t know Rita was _in love_.

Rita’s voice stirred him from his thoughts “The last time I saw her, we fought. I started it. Then she tried calling me the day before she…but I didn’t answer.”

“You couldn’t have known.” He offered weakly.

“Yes. What a comforting platitude.” Rafael winced in understanding, he felt the same way being told that; it only felt empty.

“Rafael…I’m sorry.” He nearly chocked on his drink.

“What?” he sputtered in confusion.

“I don’t like to repeat myself. Especially _apologizes_.”

“Not that I won’t gladly take an admission of guilt from you any day” She rolled her eyes.

“I just don’t understand-”

“I feel at least partially responsible.” The normally quick and eloquent ADA opened and closed his mouth a few times at a loss.

“Yes, well. I know that feeling. If it means anything, I don’t blame you.”

She nodded still looking over his shoulder.

“Maybe, if we can’t forgive ourselves, we can at least absolve each other.” She laughed sarcastically but it was only thinly veiled sincerity.

She needed this from him. And until this moment he didn’t realize he had needed it from her as well.

“Rita.” He waited patiently until she looked at him, she rolled her eyes at first but kept them trained on him non the less.

“I forgive you.” He thought the sincerity would be unbearable, that he wouldn’t be able to say it or hear it without laughing or a snarky remake. Maybe it was the liquor, or the grief, or the promise of a well after walking in hot sand for days, even if it was still miles away. He found himself choked up, looking into vulnerable brown eyes.

“Rafael, I forgive you.” He took a deep shuddering breath.

“If you tell anyone about this, I will blackmail you so hard-”

“Ethical as always, Rita.”

They didn’t necessarily feel better, but a tiny weight had been lifted. They were still lost, but now there was a promise of something, a hope that maybe didn’t hurt.

Rafael's phone chimed, it was a text from Sonny. He was about to set the cell back down; his instinct over the past few days had been to ignore texts. But this time he didn't. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry If Rita (or anyone for that matter) seems out of character. Given the circumstances I thought it might not be too unbelievable. Thanks again for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

“I’m coming, I’m coming” the law student called out, but the pounding did not decrease in fervor.

Rafael huffed in exasperation as he opened the door.

“I have neighbors you know-” but the sentence died on his lips as he took in the sight of his friend.

Pale as a sheet almost ashen, eyes red and puffy. She was pulling nervously on the sleeves of her grey hoodie, it was worn and had holes, but it was her favorite.

“¿Qué pasa, mi amiga? What happened Em’?”  He pulled his distressed friend into his tiny old apartment.

“I can’t do this Rafi, I just can’t.”

“Can’t do what? Did Eric hurt you again?” his hand closed into a fist reflexively.

“No, no. Just. They were all right, I’m a failure I can’t-” her eyes were squeezed shut and she started to shake trying to take in big gulps of air.

Rafael had never seen her like this before. He swallowed thinking she had been so much better at handling this when it was him falling to pieces.

“Em.’” He said softly but firmly. “Open your eyes.” She continued to stand there shaking for a moment.

“Come on Em’” She slowly did, and he smiled at her as reassuring as he could.

“There you go. We’re going to the couch.” Rafael took her slowly by the arm and gently guided her to sit down next to him.

“Keep your eyes open, tell me what you see.” He asked, just like he had learned from her.

“Raf-” she breathed hard.

“Come on Em’. Take a deep breath and tell me three things. Where are you?” She looked around with wide eyes.

“Your filthy apartment.” Rafael rolled his eyes but was relieved.

“Good.”

“I-I see you. And a stack of books, notebooks. And. Your couch.”

“Good, Em’. You’re doing great.” He breathed with her for a while, in, hold, out. When her breathing was finally back to somewhat normal. She looked exhausted, her bottom lip trembling despite her efforts to still it with her teeth. All it took was Rafael looking at her wide watery eyes and asking how she felt to cause her resolve to break. Emilia let out big hiccupping sobs, unable to stop what was now in motion, her efforts to cease in fact making it worse.

“Oh, Emilia.” He gathered her up in his arms and stroked her hair the way he might have the sister he never had. Rafael felt unbelievably protective over her and yet so helpless to fix this. He started humming and rocking softly, with his chin resting on top of her head.

“ _Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier. Ooh-oo child things’ll get brighter_.”  

After he had finished singing, they sat in a sleepy silence, Emilia’s body still except for the occasional sniffle.

 “You want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“I wish I could make this better for you Em.’ And if anyone hurts you, I swear-”

She shifted in his arms to face him.

“Don’t. Don’t do that to yourself Rafi. It’s not your responsibility to take care of me or protect me or fix things or whatever it is you convince yourself you have to. You have no idea how much you’ve helped just by being here.” Emilia knew he felt a tremendous amount of responsibility and guilt from a young age with the situation back home with his mom. She did not want to be another weight on his already heavy shoulders.

Emilia looked at his furrowed brow and felt her stomach twist.

“I’m sorry, Rafi. I shouldn’t have come over like this.” Emilia started to pull away, but Rafael just squeezed her closer and kissed the top of her head.

“Don’t be stupid.” another comfortable silence fell over them.

“Quit the pair, aren’t we?” Her voice was thick but much calmer than when she had first walked through the other student’s door. Rafael simply snorted.

“We’re gonna be okay.” Rafael didn’t have much room for hope in his life, it was much too passive, and often too painful. In that moment he felt all he could do was hope that he was right.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

To say Rafael had been running on empty would have been generous. The ache in his body had become so pervasive he could no longer pin point it’s source. The more he tried to concentrate the more frustrated he became, his head pulsed angrily. He threw the file he had been staring at blankly for the better part an hour like it had personally offended him and rubbed, with more force than necessary, at his dry eyes.

He had been in court earlier that day for arraignment, trying to get remand for a violent rich asshole who didn’t know the meaning of the word _no_. Of fucking course, it didn’t work. He looked blearily at his watch. He really needed to focus and get some work done or the whole day would be a wash.

 _Not that it changes anything_. The insidious thought came unwelcome. Rafael got up on shaky legs to get another cup of coffee, the acid that climbed up his throat was his stomach’s protest at the idea. His fingers trembled as he poured it, he really didn’t have much choice at this point. The caffeine, the starch in his suit, and sheer stubbornness were the only things keeping him upright. Moving was exhausting, like the atmosphere had gotten thicker and his body heavier.

He mentally snapped at himself for being so pathetic. He could handle a little tiredness.

Rafael sat back down heavily in his chair feeling the world swim around him momentarily from the quick change in altitude. His phone buzzed, Sonny reminding him about their dinner date that night, he couldn’t blow him off. Rafael groaned feeling the stress settle in like a screw at the base of his neck and in his shoulders.

“Mr. Barba-” Carmen poked her head in through the door but paused looking him over.

“Are you feeling alright?”

“Yes, Carmen I’m fine.” She shook her head; her boss was a stubborn man. She resolved to pick up some lunch and something to drink (other than coffee) for him later, despite whatever protests he may have.

“A Mr.-” Barba stood up to button his blazer and greet whomever was sure to walk into his office, but he didn’t hear the rest of what his assistant had said. A warmth rushed over him and his skin started to prickle, as if he were turning into hot static. The roaring in his ears grew and he vison turned hazy until it all went dark. He thought he might have heard his name again before he pitched forward gratefully into the velvety blackness. 

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

His senses faded back in piece by piece. The smell of antiseptic and old soap. A soft beeping. Scratchy sheets. He felt like he was swimming through a thick fog as he resurfaced and squinted at the bright florescent lights. He lifted his arm to shield his eyes but found it was attached to something. After his eyes adjusted and some of the confusion fell away, he took in the room.  There was an IV in his hand. A moment of confusion followed by a flair of panic when he realized where he was. The memory of sitting in a hard-plastic waiting room chair came back to him unwelcome. _Bitter coffee, a crying baby, a tired looking mother, a man scrolling through his phone while his leg bounced nervously, a whirlwind of nurse’s colorful scrubs going this way and that, the faint ringing of phones and the hum of electricity, all adding to the sense of unreality._

“Mr. Barba.” A smiling woman in a white coat brought him fully into the present. _Mierda._

Later Rafael was staring dejectedly at a cup of green Jell-O, _who likes lime anyway_ , when a harried looking detective walked into his room. 

“Rafael.” He said out of breath.

“Fancy seeing you here.” The older man attempted at casual.

“Are you okay-of course not, that’s a stupid question.” Sonny sat heavily in the chair next to the hospital bed running a hand through his over gelled hair.

“The doctors seem optimistic I’ll live.” He said around a mouth full of Jell-O before grimacing and setting it down. It really wasn’t worth it.

“Carmen said you collapsed.” Sonny did not seem amused by his sarcasm.

Rafael groaned and threw his head back against the pillow.

“Remind me to give her a box of chocolates and an apology” She deserved a raise for putting up with him.

“Raf, what happened?” Rafael felt his face heat up and tried to deflect by rolling his eyes.

“The doctor said it’s _exhaustion._ ”

Rich celebrities got exhaustion, not prosecutors.

“It’s just a hyperbolic way of saying I need to sleep and drink more water.” He started to pull back the sheets and thin blue blanket to swing his legs over the edge of the bed.

“Hold up. What do you think you’re doin’?” Sonny asked alarmed.

“I need a nurse, so I can get discharged.”

“Woah! Is that such a good idea.”

The other man gave him a withering look “The only thing staying here will give me is bed sores.”

“I think you’re being a little flippant about this.”

“I told you, I’m fine.” Rafael rolled his eyes confused at what had the detective so worked up.

“You passed out!”

“I think you missed your calling as an actor, Carrisi.”

“Can you take your health seriously just this once.”

“It’s not that big a deal.” He countered defensively.

“It is to me!”

Rafael immediately softened at the look on Sonny’s face.

“Hey, look I’m sorry alright.” Sonny have him a weary look as he lifted his head from his hands, his eyes bright blue.

“Come here.” Rafael’s tone was gentle as he patted the bed. He knew he could be an ass sometimes. Sonny didn’t move. “ _Please_.”

The taller man curled up on the bed anger and panic leaving behind a tiered anxiety.

It was an awkward fit on the bed at first, but they settled in, Rafael pulled Sonny’s head down to his chest.

“I was so worried, Rafi.” His voice wavered, and Rafael winced and screwed his eyes shut feeling a pang in his heart. Their relationship had been strained lately. Rafael had felt like he was drowning all the time now, but that was no excuse to take his partner for granted. He was just so terrified that if Sonny got close enough, he’d see. Really see, how he was barley treading water under the surface. He’d just disappoint him.

“I know, I’m sorry” Rafael rubbed circles on his lover’s back. Sonny was a very physically demonstrative person he sought and gave comfort through affectionate touch. Barba wanted nothing more than to make him feel better, to reach down and smooth out the furrow in his brow.

“I don’t know what to do Rafi, I’m sorry I don’t know, I’m just so worried about you, about-”

Rafael took a deep breath, he started to sing in a soft whisper a song he hadn’t thought about in ages.

“ _Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,”_ Sonny tensed in surprise then fully relaxed into the other man’s warmth.

 _"That saved a wretch; like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see_.” Rafael paused, and a small voice in a heavy Staten Island accent supplied helpfully

“’Twas grace-”

Rafael picked the song back up, the corner of his mouth lifting into a fond grin “ _’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved; how precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed_.”

Everything felt unbearably fragile. And laying within the walls built for beginnings and ends, the same building Rafael had sat numb in a plastic chair doctors saying things at him he barley heard not too long ago, they felt a moment of peace. As if life was falling and rebuilding in the halls just outside his hospital room, but in there for only a moment they could just _be_.

“It’s gonna be okay.” God, he hoped he was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Rafael singing is a bit of a cliché at this point, but I couldn’t help myself. Thank you for reading and your feedback!


	5. Chapter 5

“Come on, Rafael! It could be fun.” They had been invited to some fancy faculty party, where professors, administration, and students at the top of their graduating class were attending. Which to Emilia meant an excuse to get free food, free booze, and an opportunity to stand in the back and hear Rafael and Rita make snarky comments about the more upper crusty pretentious party goers.

“It’ll be like being trapped in my own Becket play” He retorted with sarcastic cheer. 

“In that…it’ll be absurd?”

“In that it’ll be existentially nauseating.”

“It might be-”

“The height of banality.”

“If you don’t want to go because you’d rather suck lemons than chat up fat cats in stuffed shirts and their trust fund protégés, then absolutely I get it but—”

“You don’t get it Emilia, okay. I just – I just don’t feel like celebrating that’s all.”

“Okay. You’re right.” She said placing a hand on his shoulder feeling him relax minutely.

“What is this about Rafi?” She tilted her head trying to meet his lowered eyes. Nothing.

“You said the other day you were thinking about inviting your mom to graduation…any new thoughts on that?”

“Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“I’m sure she’d love if you did.”

“I just…I don’t know if she’d want to come.”

“What’s really going on Rafi.” After an extended silence he relented.

“I left Em’. I got out, she didn’t. I left her with…my _father_.” His hand curled into a fist

“You did what you had too. And you can’t make decisions for other people.”

He looked unconvinced.

“You worked your ass off, Rafael. I can only imagine what this is like for you. But I don’t want you to forget, you deserve to be here. _You_ got the scholarship, you deserve to be here just as much if not more than those other creeps. You’re graduating top of your class, _you_ did that. And nothing anyone says or does can change that…even your father, you hear me. You’re allowed to let yourself celebrate.” He smiled up at her.

“You’re right.”

“Of course, I am.”

He gave her a wicked grin. “This institution would be a shame without me-”

“Alright, well-”

“The whole of the American Justice system would crumble, I mean without future attorneys with skill and integrity such as mine the very concept of the law-”

Emilia groaned loudly “Dear god what have I done.” Rafael couldn’t stop laughing all the way to the library.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Olivia knocked on the ADA’s door dressed in black. She had planned to go the funeral as a show of support anyway but when it became apparent that Sonny could not get the time off, she had decided to ride with Rafael to the church. Olivia remembered fondly trying to feign surprise when the couple disclosed their relationship to her. She tried to hold onto that happy memory as she steeled herself for what was sure to be a difficult day.

Funerals always left Olivia feeling slightly disoriented and melancholy, like accidently falling asleep during the day and waking up in a dark room. She had not been personally that close with Emilia, but she knew how much the two ADAs meant to one another. Before she could knock again the door opened to reveal a disheveled Rafael. Olivia could not remember a time when she had seen the man this casually dressed, the closest being when he had come into the precinct in a candy apple red pollo and bright yellow boat jacket.

 “Rafael.” She said surprised, he simply stepped away from the door to let her in.

“You…better get dressed or we’re going to be late.” Unless grey sweatpants and an old Harvard t-shirt was what was now socially acceptable funeral attire he had better change quickly.

“Sorry I didn’t call you.” His voice sounded flat and tired “I’m not going.”

“Okay.” She said calmly taking in the information. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

“What I want” He repeated hollowly with a humorless laugh. Olivia was realizing now he was probably already a bit tipsy.

“She really loved you, you know.” She tried gently.

He scoffed bitterly taking a large drink from his glass. “A lotta good that did her.” He spun around his anger almost compensating for his clumsy drunkenness; just a slight wobble as he gestured with his glass. “You know what? Maybe I didn’t want that, I didn’t ask to be loved by her or to be anything to her! I didn’t _want_ or ask for the responsibility of her friendship. If she was gonna go and off herself she should have just left me alone ages ago and saved us both the trouble!”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Don’t I!?” Eventually her steady gaze melted him. He deflated as if the anger were the only thing holding him upright.

“No. I don’t. I loved her, Liv. She was my best friend.” the way his voice cracked at the end broke her heart.

“She was like a sister. She was the first person I came out too. The first person I told about my father. She talked me down from a panic attack during finals, we pulled all nighters at the library. We did tequila shots at _Shakies_ when she passed her bar exam. She came to my apartment when I lost my first case with a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream. When I tried to push her away, she told me ‘don’t you shut me out Rafael, I let you wallow enough’ she marched into my kitchen grabbed two spoons and started eating ice cream on my couch she said, ‘you can either watch me or join me those are your options.’ Because she was my friend. And I was supposed to be hers. How can I claim to have been her friend when I failed her so spectacularly?”

“Oh, Rafa.” She crossed the room and hugged him. Olivia knew better than to ask him about some of the more personal details he had alluded too, there was time for that later if he ever wanted to share with her. Now was not about satisfying her own curiosity.

“I can’t go Liv. I can’t be in a room full of people talking about her as if she’s in a better place. Pretending like we didn’t let her down. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize Rafa, I just don’t want you to have any regrets.”

“Little late for that.” He took a sip of his bourbon.

“If you don’t want to go, we don’t have too.” He stared at his hands unable to meet her eyes.

“Alright then.” Olivia disappeared into the kitchen for a moment and reappeared with a glass in her hands. She took off her black heels and poured herself a drink from the decanter on the coffee table. Rafael finally looked back up at her in surprise.

“You really don’t have to stay-”

“I know. I want too.” She squeezed his arm affectionately. She was mostly just going to the funeral to support him, and she could just as easily do that from his couch.  He shook his head and laughed small and tired, but then met her with glassy eyes.

“Thank you.”

“Tell me a happy memory you have of Emilia”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is a heavy Rafael/Sonny chapter don’t worry! Also, let me know how you feel about having the flashbacks included?


	6. Chapter 6

A knock sounded at his office door.

“Come in” he called. Feet up on his desk, nose in a file and suit jacket hanging over the back of his chair.

A woman with short auburn hair meekly poked her head through the door. Carmen must have been off at lunch.

“Mr. Barba?” She walked in tentatively, looking ready to leave at any moment. She wrung her pale hands only giving them a break to adjust the strap of her purse on her shoulder.

“Um, yes. Come in, how may I help you?” Barba was up on his feet pulling down his vest.

“Oh.” She said almost not expecting to get the right person. She proceeded further into the room anyway.

“I’m…Emilia’s sister.”

Rafael stared dumbly at her for a moment his mouth hanging open before he remembered himself.

“P-please take a seat.” he gestured to the one across from his desk. The woman he had never met until now took it awkwardly smoothing down her simple black skirt and blazer. She wore a small gold cross around her neck that she touched briefly in what could have been a nervous habit.

Rafael sat down belatedly, not being able to help the open gawking he was doing, he averted his eyes a moment and smiled in apology for his staring.

“Miss…”

“Oh, it’s Lucas, now. I’m married. But you may call me Sylvia.”

“Right. Sylvia.” He smiled as friendly as he could muster given the shock and tension that seemed to fill the room.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” It felt odd to say.

She nodded seeming to accept it none the less.

“What can I do for you, Sylvia?” Her eyes, that looked so much like her sisters, roamed around his office.

“I’m sorry to bother you at work Mr. Barba.”

“Please, call me Rafael.” She nodded.

“But I didn’t really know where else to find you and you weren’t at the funeral…” Sylvia trailed off.

He was about to open his mouth to offer her, he wasn’t sure what, an apology? An explanation?

“It’s my understanding you meant a great deal to, Emmy.” She smiled wanly, eyes shining with sadness.

“You were close friends with her? You and…” She paused thinking “Rita?”

Rafael swallowed, he was not prepared for this conversation today.

“She liked to sit at the bad kids table it seems.” Rafael joked weakly, and Sylvia gave a polite smile.

“I suppose I should be apologizing to you for your loss. You probably knew her far better than I at this point.” She touched her cross again.

“We were close growing up, we…didn’t have the easiest time.” Her smile seemed to be more of a reflex than born from sincerity. “I think she always felt protective of me. Even though I’m a year older. But that’s Emmy for you.” The ADA snorted in fond agreement.

“We became estranged over the years. After my first marriage-” Her fingers reached for the pendent by her collar bone again, but she dropped her hand instead. Rafael was familiar with Emilia’s family drama. The way Sylvia’s husband, and subsequently Sylvia, disagreed with Emilia’s sexuality. The way they fought over how to handle their _difficult_ mother. When Sylvia eventually stopped talking to Emilia, even though she didn’t discuss it much, Rafael knew it hurt her and that she missed her.

“Anyway. I did come here for a reason.” Sylvia opened her purse and pulled out three items carefully.

“I found this…” It was a small rectangular package wrapped in pink paper.  “It seems to be a present for you, maybe a birthday present, I’m not sure.” He took it gingerly the paper crinkling around his fingers.

“And…” She stared at the cream-colored envelope in her hands, before hesitantly placing it on his desk.

Rafael furrowed his brow in confusion, when he picked it up, she stopped him.

“I wouldn’t open that now.”

He looked down at the familiar hand writing that spelled out his name.

“You may want to wait.” She grimaced sympathetically and shifted in her seat. “For…privacy.” He looked between the woman and the envelope again in confusion.

“It’s…a note.”

“Oh. _Oh_.” His stomach jumped, he could feel acid rise up his throat.

“I’m not sure why the police didn’t just give it to you when they found it. I mean you were the one there I’m told, at the hospital I mean. You were her emergency contact? I flew in a few days later. I think it was evidence and then when they were done with it, because I’m the next of kin, well…” She was rambling nervously, but Barba barely heard her past the rushing in his ears.

He looked up at her questioningly and she seemed to understand. “I didn’t read it.”

“One last thing.” A gold key was held tightly between her fingers. A deep shaky breath later and she continued.

“I…have to clean out her office tomorrow.” Rafael noted how she could barley bring herself to say ‘my sister’ he wondered if that was a product of the distance between the two or guilt.

“Then I leave back to Florida. I was wondering if you’d like to…look through her things beforehand. See if there is anything you’d like to keep. Whatever, is fine, you can just take it.”

“I think she’d want you too. And you’d actually be helping me out…there’s a lot I need to go through, a lot I’ll be giving away.”  The sister trailed off.

He nodded numbly “Thank you.”

 She nodded back but hesitated to leave.

“Is there anything else, Mrs. Lucas.” He flinched as it came out. He needed to soften his tone, Emilia probably wouldn’t want him being a jerk to her grieving sister.

Sylvia looked down at the carpet.

“May I ask you something Mr.—Rafael.” He nodded caught off guard.

“Of course.”

“Was…did, Emilia seem…did she seem unhappy at all too you.”

He was dreading that question. He lay awake in bed staring at the celling as if it were a projector screen for his memories, relitigating every small interaction any moment that might have foreshadowed what was to come. Anything he could have changed. He replayed in his mind over and over what would happen if that last night had gone differently.  She took his silence as an answer.

“That’s. That’s fine. I didn’t mean to imply that you…I shouldn’t have asked.” She adjusted her purse strap once more and stood quickly. Her guilt and contrition did nothing to make him feel better, he had initially been a little bitter towards this woman, who was yet another absentee in her sister’s life.

“I’m sorry I don’t have answers for you. I think…she had a pretty good life here. A life she worked very hard for, a job she was phenomenal at and people who loved her dearly. That’s all I can tell you. The “why” and could haves and should haves I…I can’t say. And she made a difference.” Emilia didn’t need to explain or prove herself to anyone, least of all her family but Rafael felt protective in that moment. “For what its worth…I think she had many happy days even if in the end…” _it wasn’t enough_.

“Thank you, Mr. Barba. For being such a good friend to my sister.” Sylvia’s voice was thick, and her eyes were shining with unshed tears “I’m glad she wasn’t alone in the end.”

One hand gripped the edge of his desk, the key in his other hand was being held so tightly it would surely leave an ident on his thumb and forefinger. He had been hoping she wouldn’t say that, he wasn’t sure any of it was true, the guilt rolled in his stomach. He didn’t know if those were lines in the story, they all told themselves and each other to feel better. The way a threadbare blanket makes you warm. He wished Emilia’s sister had been here sooner. He wished he had acted sooner. That Emilia didn’t leave them so soon. He felt a pang of sympathy despite everything for Sylvia. She too would have to live with all the questions and second guessing. An office full of boxes, papers, legal books, half bitten pens, and a pair of old glasses weren’t the only things to be sorted through. An office, an apartment, an old lover, an old friend, a sister, they were the left behinds.  

“Take care, Sylvia.” He had nothing else to say, but the sentiment was genuine.

 //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

It was the end of a very long exhausting day. He walked in hesitantly, after a second delay he flipped on the light switch. Rafael took off his jacket and ran a hand down his face, unable to do much else yet. He didn’t know what he was expecting. When he was a little boy, he went to his aunt’s wake, he remembered the odd and painful feeling of seeing someone who was not quite the someone you remembered anymore. How shockingly cold her hand had felt. He wondered if walking into Emilia’s office would feel that way, like everything was slightly pushed to the left or the shade of red on her walls would be slightly more burgundy. Despite being in that office hundreds of times it felt a little like an intrusion without Emilia behind her desk, or at the coffee pot, or chewing on her pen at the couch while staring intently at a brief or law book. He walked around somewhat aimlessly. He didn’t know what he was expecting to find. Memories or perhaps answers. The cream envelope Sylvia had given him sat heavily in his jacket pocket. Maybe he would have to accept there would be no satisfying answer. No clue that would make everything make sense and make everything right. He swallowed thickly.

 _It’s just a room, its just a room, no need to romanticize it, it’s just a room_. But it wasn’t.

It smelled the same, the smell he had come to associate with her office. Old books, and her perfume and coffee and walnuts and cherries and lemon pledge, and carpet. And it hit him, a warm ache in his chest.

He missed his friend.

He had felt many things, guilt, anger, sadness, and sometimes even nothing. But he hadn’t stopped long enough to just acknowledge, that he _missed_ her. There was a hole cut out of the middle of his construction paper and he couldn’t just glue it back. Rafael laughed out loud in the empty room despite there not being anything particularly funny.

He walked around her desk and paused before sitting in her chair. Normally he would be uncomfortable in sitting in sentimentality and reverence, he preferred to do something, to solve something. Perhaps it was okay to just sit for a while. To acknowledge the walls were more than just walls. To just sit and miss his friend for a while. He sat the package down in the middle of the desk and stared at it. Rafael took a deep breath and leaned forward, sticking a finger along the taped side of the paper. Soon it was no longer a rectangle in pink wrapping paper, but a copy of _To the Lighthouse_ by Virginia Woolf. He had had a well-loved copy in college all bent dogeared pages, torn cover, and worn spine, he lost it, and Emilia had gotten him a new copy as a gift. Much to his horror and disappointment he had lost her copy as well somewhere in his most recent move, but he didn’t have the heart to tell her. Apparently she knew anyway.

Inside the cover of the one that now sat on her desk in loopy cursive read:

_Don’t lose this one! Or if you do, don’t worry, I hear there are still plenty out there, in fact they’re even printing new ones! Imagine that. Love, Em._

There were plenty of copies in plenty stores he could buy. He didn’t even have to go to an actual store he could just order one online. But it wouldn’t be the same. The fact that this was the last _To the Lighthouse_ , she would ever gift him made his heart heavy. With both an overwhelming sadness and affection. He didn’t want to have to give importance to the things she gave him, the things she left behind, to have any _lasts_ of anything. Everything and everyone were so losable.     

He sat there and cried. And for the first time in a long time, he felt a little bit better for having done so.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small warning this chapter talks about abuse and suicide but nothing graphic.

Emilia was on her knees in her pajama pants, hair pulled back in a scrunchy, and a look of concentration on her face. Rafael sat in one of her kitchen chairs avoiding eye contact as she dabbed as gently as she could with a cotton ball above his eye.

“Alright then. Get on with it.” Her hand hovered in front of his battered face pausing momentarily in question.

“I know you want to give me a lecture.”

She returned to her first aid, though there was little good she could do. “And what would I say in this lecture?”

“You’re going to say, he’s bad Rafi and you need to leave him.” She hummed in agreement but didn’t say anything. Emilia moved to dab at the cut on his swollen bottom lip when he hissed in pain.

“Sorry.” She cringed in sympathy. Relenting she put down the bottle of rubbing alcohol and handed him a pack of frozen peas wrapped in an old dish towel. The swelling and bruising were far worse than the small abrasions anyway. He took it without comment and held it to his left cheek and eye. Her friend’s face was not supposed to look like this, angry blooms of purple, black, and blue. But she had to remain calm, for Rafael’s sake.

“And…that I should have known better.” She looked up from her first aid kit where she was putting everything away.

“I don’t know what you should have known better about? This is all on him, Rafi. It is entirely his responsibility not to hit you. _Not_ your responsibility to not be hit.”

“Come on Em, we both know why I should know better by now, I should be able to recognize the signs, to do something. I brought this on myself.” Rafael was certain when he left home that this was one family tradition he would not be continuing. He would never be with someone like his father.

“You didn’t deserve this, Rafi.”

He let out a bitter laugh “What exactly do I deserve then?”

“Better.” He moved the ice pack from his face to touch gingerly under his eye, gauging the swelling. Emilia gently moved his hand back in place, insisting he continue holding the peas there.

“Maybe I don’t want better.” Rafael admitted quietly “Maybe I like it this way, it’s…easier.”

She didn’t look shocked or disgusted, just open, patient and understanding.

“It’s easier.” She repeated but it wasn’t incredulous or a question.

“Yes? I don’t owe him anything and he doesn’t own me anything. I disappoint him, he hurts me, he promises he’s sorry it won’t happen again, we both know it will, and it starts over. It’s…predictable. And when it eventually blows up, I won’t be surprised. I can tell myself I always knew this would happen, and that it’s for the best really. Nothing gained nothing lost. Easy.”

“You really think there’s nothing lost.” The law student asked earnestly. She felt her stomach churn thinking of how much could really be lost.

“That’s fucked up isn’t it. I…I must be broken if I’d rather be with someone who hurts me than who loves me…I” He was starting to get visibly upset for the first time that night. He arrived at her door, eyes puffy and red, slightly shaking, but otherwise stoic.

“You’re not broken, Rafael. Although I’ll agree it’s not healthy, lots of people gravitate to relationships that are bad for them. And It’s not like you’ve exactly been given a great example of what a healthy relationship is supposed to be-” Rafael rolled his eyes.

“I’m serious. You’re driving blind here.”

She sighed and rocked back on her heels looking up at him contemplatively.

“Love doesn’t always feel like you’re flying, it’s vulnerable, and scary, and can be a lot of work but…it’s better than this. It’s worth so much more than this.”

He swallowed thickly. “Love always hurts.”

“Not like this. Never supposed to like this.”

He put his frozen peas down, looking defeated and tired. Emilia ducked her head to meet his eyes.

“I love you, Rafael. Does that hurt?”

“Well…” He began in an attempt at a weak joke, Emilia just looked at him ruefully.

“No.” He said finally, soft and sincere. “It doesn’t.”

She grabbed both of his hands in hers and squeezed.  

////////////////////////////////////////////

“Sonny?”

“Yeah, Raf?” He mumbled only half awake.

There was a long pause where Carisi almost thought Rafael had fallen asleep.

“Have you ever thought about killing yourself?” blunt and clinical, if Sonny wasn’t close enough to his love to feel the way his body shifted nervously next to him, he would have been convinced he was talking about work or the weather rapport.

Carisi swallowed taken aback and suddenly very awake.

“I- no. I’ve been through some dark times in my life sure, but I’ve never thought about that or even considered it an option.”

Rafael exhaled his body going slack and scooted back closer to Sonny.

“…Have you?” The question hung in the warm dark around them. When Rafael didn’t respond Sonny prompted

“I know you’re not sleeping, Raf.”

“I’m fine Sonny. I’m not going anywhere.” It wasn’t really an answer and Sonny didn’t plan on letting the matter drop but it would have to do for tonight. Sonny’s long arms wrapped around the other man’s waist, where a soft tummy used to be. It was breaking Sonny’s heart watching Rafael run himself into the ground, he felt helpless to do anything about the grief and sadness that seemed to cling to his boyfriend. Sonny squeezed Rafael a little tighter, to convince himself he was in fact not going anywhere.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Rafael poured a generous amount of syrup on the pancakes Sonny had made for them, Rafael had always had a bit of a sweet tooth. Or sugar molar as Sonny would call it. They did not normally have elaborate breakfasts in the morning, the two of them were usually hustling out the door. The detective had the day off barring any calls from Liv, and Rafael didn’t have to go in until a little later that day. Sonny thought he would take the time to try to literally butter his boyfriend up a bit before having the conversation he was dreading.

“Those pancakes good?” He smirked at the older man. Rafael grunted in approval, wiped his mouth with his napkin and stood. Honestly, the detective was just relieved to see the man eating an actual breakfast.

“The pancakes are wonderful, and you are wonderful.” He said walking over to give Sonny a peck on the lips.

“I know.” Sonny pulled him back in for another longer kiss. “I give you sugar, you give me sugar.”

Rafael rolled his eyes at the other man’s cheesiness.

“I am not so easily bought, thank you very much.” Rafael smoothed down his tie and looked at his watch.

“I should probably get going.” Carisi grabbed his hand before he could walk off.

“Actually, you still have a little time and there’s something I’d like to talk to you about.” Rafael looked like he wanted to protest but he couldn’t argue with the expression on his boyfriend’s face, so he sat back down and gave him his full attention. He waited for Sonny to elaborate with his brow furrowed in concern.

“Raf…I don’t really know how to say this.”

“Well that’s not unusual.” Rafael tried to joke to break the tension, the dread in his stomach was building.

Sonny looked down at his hands, he felt like he was already messing this up.

“Hey.” The attorney scooted closer. “Whatever it is Sonny, you can tell me.” The look on his boyfriend’s face was so earnest and concerned, not many people got to see this softened side of the ADA, Sonny’s chest ached. He felt a new determination, no matter how awkward or potentially disastrous this conversation would be, it was worth it. 

“It’s about last night.” Rafael stiffened and leaned back in his chair, starting to shut down. At this point Sonny could sense the shift when it would happen.

“What about it?” He was using his ADA voice now.  

“Raf.”

“Just repeating my name isn’t an answer.”

“Well, I just want to know why you brought it up out of the blue.”

“Really, there’s nothing that has happened recently that would clue you into why I would bring it up, I’m sure that deduction is not above your capabilities detective.” _Shut up shut up you’re being an ass_.

“Okay, well you opened this door, Raf, not me. Now we’re gonna talk about it.”

“I already told you there’s nothing else to discuss. Excuse me if I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Maybe if you were more willing to have these conversations-” shit. He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, he so desperately wished he could snatch them back out of the air.

“Then what? Hm. Then what Dominick.”

“I’m just saying I couldn’t live with myself if I-”

“If something happened and you could have stopped it? But apparently, I can, is that right? Is that what you’re implying. Or are you afraid I can’t live with myself after all, after failing to have the conversation you’re so valiantly trying to have now, that I will fling myself off a cliff out of guilt. Don’t worry your conscience is safe.”

“Damnit, Rafael! It’s not my _conscience_ I’m worried about. I don’t know how else to tell you I love you. I care about you. And if this is gonna work…you gotta let me in. You’re always shutting me out.”

Rafael suddenly felt as if his heart was in his throat. He hadn’t realized how much his adrenaline had been pumping until he noticed the slight shakiness in his breath and the tingling in his hands. It felt as if he were on the precipice, staring into the yawning abyss. All it would take was one final push, and Sonny would be gone. Sonny would hurt for a while, but he’d be better off in the end. And Rafael’s heart would ache, he’d find his mind drifting to the memory of Sonny’s blue eyes despite his best efforts. And the lingering smell of Sonny’s shampoo on his pillow would twist his stomach, he wouldn’t be able to sleep without it anyway. When he would eventually hear about Sonny getting married the scab would be pulled and that old familiar hurt would rush in. Unlike the first sharp cut of the knife, heartbreak plus regret would smolder like a burn.  He would try to put it away, he’d drink too much and work too much and go home to an empty apartment. But he would be safe.

“I just…I don’t.” Bright green and shinning eyes looked at Sonny with desperation. Sonny had never seen him look so defeated.

The detective sighed and apparently Rafael took that as a sign of his resignation. The ADA faltered forward towards the other man.

“Sonny please. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I want too I swear I just- I can’t be hurt again. I just can’t.”

Carisi surged towards his boyfriend and held him just as Rafael broke into a sob.

“Hey. Hey, hey, It’s okay. Alright. Shhh, it’s okay.”

“Please, I can’t do it again- I can’t.” Sonny just held him tighter whispering sweet nothing in his ear until he calmed down a little more.

“I know this is hard for you Rafael. But I promise you I will never, do anything to intentionally hurt you. Okay? Never.”  

His eyes were bright green and shining. That’s not what he was afraid of, not exactly.

“I thought about it…once in college.” Rafael’s voice was nothing above a whisper. It took Sonny a moment to realize what he was talking about and his stomach started to sink. “Thought about taking pills and…well. I never actually did anything though. I’ve gone through occasional bouts of what I suppose you could call…depression. But I’d never-” He swallowed thickly and blinked up at Carisi. Sonny felt his own throat get tight and his eyes get watery.

“Okay. Okay.” Sonny pulled the other man to his chest again running a hand down his hair to soothe himself just as much as Rafael. “Thank you for telling me. Thank you.” _I got you, I’m not letting go, I got you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to start getting better for the boys.


	8. Chapter 8

The manila envelope with “ _Rafael_ ” written in loopy inked letters on the front had been living in his bedside drawer for weeks now. The font seemed inappropriate for that kind of correspondence, but then again, he wasn’t sure what would be the right print for a suicide note. Rafael sighed. He had been waiting to be in the right head space before he read the letter. At first, he would have been too angry to really process anything of what she had to say. Then he wasn’t ready because knew he would want too much from it, no matter what explanation she may have or had not given it would not be enough. If he was looking for hard answers, he would just be further disappointed. It might have been selfish or cowardly he thought but part of him was afraid of what he would find; he couldn’t know what type of state she was in when she wrote it. The thought of her writing this desperate and alone made his chest ache painfully. So, he waited until he was ready to accept whatever the letter said.

But most of all he had waited because there was something that felt so…final about it. There was a sadness to moving forward, to letting her go, to not being so sad anymore. He feared the days to come when he thought about her less and less, when the wound started to scar. Emilia will always have been an important part of his life, and therefor she will always be a part of his life moving forward. And he knew the pain would never completely fade. She had changed him, and the things she gave him wouldn’t just go away because she was no longer here. However, it still felt like closing a chapter. She had held his hand thus far and then one day he looked back and she was gone.

And this was the last message she left for him. He didn’t even get to respond or argue.

“Hey, Sonny?” Said detective craned his neck to look back over the couch where he sat, law book in his lap.

“What’s up?”

“Can you come here please.”

Carrisi got up with a loud groan and stretched out his stiff muscles.

This elicited a laugh from Rafael who mumbled affectionately to himself. “ _Anciano_ ”

“What’s up Raf?” Sonny came up behind his boyfriend and kissed the top of his head. Peering over Rafael’s shoulder he looked confused at the envelope Raf was staring at so intently, until the realization dawned on him. Carisi squeezed the ADA’s shoulder.

“Have you…?”

“Not yet.” Rafael cleared his throat trying to sound more collected than he felt. “Would you mind…siting with me while I read it.”

“Of course, Raf, anything you need.” He quickly sat in the closest chair at the dining room table and squeezed Barba’s hand assuringly. Asking for support and inviting Sonny into this vulnerable moment was a huge step for the both of them. Rafael took another moment to look at Sonny, drawing his strength before looking back down at the table. His stomach fluttered with a strange mix of anticipation and nerves.

Sonny sat in silent support as Rafael read through the letter. He appeared calm through most of it except for the shaky hand that came up to cover his mouth at one point. His eyes watering and his throat tight, he let out a heavy breath that seemed like it took a great deal of effort.

Rafael finally looked back up at Sonny, green eyes bright from the welling moisture.

“Let’s take a walk.” Sonny was taken aback by the response, that had not been what he was anticipating but he quickly recovered and went along with it. He followed Rafael to the front door and took the coat that was offered to him.

They walked for a few blocks in thoughtful silence.

“How do you feel?” Sonny couldn’t hold back from asking any longer. Rafael shrugged honestly.

“She-” His voice caught surprising himself. “She told me when I was finished reading it to go for a walk. That it would make me feel a little better.” If he had read that even just few weeks ago he would have been indignant at any command or advice that was offered in that letter. He would have been infuriated and devastated by the implication that a simple walk or anything for that matter could make him feel any different. That he wanted anything from her other than being here. Now he was able to accept it for what it was.His friend's last attempt to comfort him. It was bitter sweet.

“And?” Carisi ventured.

Rafael laughed and shook his head “She always had to be right.”

The detective let out a short laugh in relief and put his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders; Rafael leaned into it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like I may include another short little chapter, like an epilogue of sorts. Let me know.  
> Thank you so much to all of you who read, commented, and or liked my story!


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